Tuesday, December 30, 2014

the men of munchies: michael chernow



In 2014, the rates of households with cable television has declined. For example, I am sans a cable subscription and I stream everything online that caters to my schedule. I cook dinner at 7:57PM and then I watch Vice Munchies after because The Food Network is not within my reach.

I don't know how this Munchies: Meatball Shop video went under my radar, but it is about one month old now and features a native New Yorker by the name of Michael Chernow. Chernow is adorned with tattoos, a beautiful face and a voice of an angel. It's more than just the surface that makes Chernow attractive - it's his overzealous passion with balls, meatballs.

Monday, December 29, 2014

fuck andrew christian



Have you made your New Years plans yet? No? Well, I have and let me elaborate further. I'm staying home watching porn with a bottle of wine because fuck life. Or, instead of porn, what about the equivalent of porn, an Andrew Christian video.

What or who is Andrew Christian?

Andrew Christian is an underwear brand designed by guess who: Andrew Christian. Underwear is underwear, but the ethos behind it is problematic. It is an underwear brand targeted to gay men with unrealistic body types produced to be porn-esque. These are guys with large biceps, 6 pack abs and just enough jewels that their masc is still in tact. These guys are predominately white.

This New Years video, though, includes Asian men because of the collaboration with Zank, Grindr equivalent in China.

YES! LOOK HOW I AM REPRESENTED!

So homogenous.

I don't even get to touch other men. I only get to dance by myself showing off cool abs and stuff. Only white people get to touch and make out with each other. Only in the apex do I get to caress other men in an orgy.

Happy Fucking New Years.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

sale on sale, not a meta




In a perfect world, the perfect world where puppies use humans as slaves, where raisins don't exist and my Christmas shopping would be complete via drones. Wait, drones are already a thing. Well, in addition to all three, I would have a few hundred dollars left over because everyone in our society would have a few hundred dollars left over to spend on themselves or our canine masters.

These bad ass criss cross shoes are by Proenza Schouler: part fucking cool and part awesome. Cool and awesome are two completely different adjectives. The truth about sale according to Leandra Medine, is that it's not how much it cost, but how much you saved. With that truth, mantra or bullshit you want to sedate yourself with, we learn to justify it at any means. The retail price was currently at a laughable, but well reasoned luxury price of $935. That would be change if I made 6 figures, but I don't and I have to accept that.

Then there was the Black Friday sale and the Internet went into a consumer frenzy. The price dropped to half price and I said no because the shoes were still expensive to purchase something on trend. But now at a last call for desperation, they are now at 70% off and can be yours for $281 at SSENSE. Luckily for me and my feminine like sized feet (I don't size shame), I am about a 40 or 41 ladies.

I'm being apprehensive because of the return policy and the recent statement of my credit card.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

our relationship with totes, the bag



Today, while you are out and about this afternoon shopping on the high street in your metropolitan, see, if you can spot men carrying canvas tote bags. He is elusive and holds many things that require more than a few pockets.

Not all men would carry a canvas bag. He is secure with his sexuality. He is most likely gay. He is gay.

They're kind of a niche crowd. They live west of Bathurst or East of the DVP because Leslieville is having a renaissance. They're sipping coffee from R2 or Cafe Pamenar while carrying their freshly purchased vinyls from Rotate This or Sonic Boom. Sadly, they don't fit in the tote bags so he must proudly carry it on the side. They like shitty beers because shitty beers are cheap and shitty beers are actually fucking good. While not completely defined by their slender frame, they are wearing skinny jeans. They have feelings, and a lot of it too via journal entries in their Moleskine. They're probably studying graphic design and if they've already graduated, they're probably copywriting.

This niche crowd is complex and as pragmatic as his canvas tote bag is, what's inside is a little more convoluted.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

making informed decisions about brands, not life



An article released a few days ago on Business of Fashion propositions the question if we, the male population with disposable income to fuck around with, are willing to open our wallets to brands with its foundation in women's ready-to-wear or accessories.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

views: are they relevant?



Have you seen Miley Cyrus' -- party fuelled, drug referenced -- music video for We Can't Stop? Of course you have. It's amazing and it was my travel song of 2013. It has been viewed more times than there are people in America alone. She has the capacity to reach a global audience and twerking was what she preached among the masses. What about Kim Kardashian's sex tape with Ray J? While I don't have any hard statistics on said recorded coitus, I highly believe it's been viewed billions of time by the many vermin out there curious about interracial sex.

Then there are fashion videos that have barely reached a fraction of Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop. Style.com's summary of Louis Vuitton Spring 2015 RTW video have only amassed 5,151 views. Vuitton is a luxury company that's number 10 on Forbes World's Most Valuable Brands and with revenue at $29.9 billion since November 2014. That probably equates to a whole lot of fucking people buying into a brand. My concern, probably not of Louis Vuitton as long as they see rising revenue, is that do their consumers even have any inclination to understanding the history, the story or the people behind the brand?

Friday, December 12, 2014

male idiot theory proves that men, are idiots



Hey guys, pals, bros, gender of the same sex. This is an amalgam of issues facing our gender this week and the solution to our problems, by society's standards, is for you to stick a dick up your ass and man the fuck up. 

If you, like me, plan on never getting married in the near future, then our weight will remain stagnant. Who needs a fucking piece of paper to make our relationship valid. It's antiquated, misogynistic and a financial burden. The tough part is when your marriage turns into divorce, you drink your problems away, you're going to get fat and lethargic says a study from Ohio State University. It's not just women that go through self-deprecating weight gain cul-de-sacs. Men have issues too and being conscientious of our weight is just the tip of the ice berg.

There's a relatively new theory in town and it's aptly named Male Idiot Theory (MIT).  From the British Medical Journal, the theory states that "men are idiots and idiots do stupid things." That's pragmatic and simple enough to understand even for the most laymen person, even if you are, an idiot. The Darwin Awards, it's a thing, is awarded to the human who "improves the gene pool by eliminating themselves from from the human race using astonishingly stupid methods." The study analyzed data from awards given from 1995 to 2014 with 318 cases. Of these 318 cases, 282 of them were awarded to males and only 36 were awarded to females. SMRT!

Beard baubles are trending, said no man ever. I don't have a beard and I can't grown one. I think beard baubles are a ridiculously amazing idea! Sure, you'll look like a gay parade, but that beard, though, means your masculinity is still in tact. 

It's the weekend. I think I'm going to watch Selena. 

like a true teenager, i loitered



My flight departed from YTZ to EWR at 13:30 and I was on schedule to land at 15:00. I land and like a lost child looking for his parents, I was looking for the AirTrain machine. I apologize New Jersey, but we need to divorce and I need to meet my lover: New York City. Our first encounter was back in 2010 and you abused my credit card to its apex. A few shopping trips there, a few cab rides here and the dinners, well, they weren't cheap and you never picked up the tab. Chivalry is still alive.

This time, like a true New Yorker, I learned to use the subway because somewhere in my brain, my amygdala had gone haywire. It wasn't too stimulating, you just need to give off the illusion that you know what you're doing and well, if I can fake an orgasm (I've never faked an orgasm, but it's a sensitive issue for men) then I can fake my I Know How To Ride A Subway In New York. I frequented restaurants, I shopped at Opening Ceremony and took a gander through Williamsburg because Grumpy.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

consider the turtleneck


Devonte "Dev" Hynes goes by many aliases that assumes an identity of space or a tart-like fruit. First, there was Lightspeed Champion who frankly, I didn't hear until now. That is some angsty pop shit where I don't want to relive my youth. Then there's Blood Orange, his most recent and popular pseudonym to date.

Blood Orange is a collaborator, father, lover to Samantha Urbani and has a deep infatuation for turtlenecks: his signature look. It has amalgamated vintage, 90's and elusiveness. While internet famous Jordan landed the latest American Apparel advertisements, I don't understand why Blood Orange didn't acquire them first? He's a walking AA billboard and appears to breaths its ethos down to the vintage frames and high-waited jeans.

Orange: niche style icon.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

lykke li covers drake because lykke li


Lykke Li covers Drake and the world continues to rotate. News broke out about this cover about a month ago, but here at Pacific Row where social media is non-existent like aliens in outer space(they're out there, though), this is all new shit to me.

Melancholic Swedish delight Lykke Li covers Drake's Hold On We're Going Home in what is probably the best cover in 2014. Li first debuted the track in London at Albert Hall in typical Li fashion. She cloaks Drake's song in her aesthetic as if it was originally her own, giving it a more lets play this song to cutting our wrists than out in da club.

Just to galvanize things further, Li uploaded a more intimate acoustic cover in a room with a man at the 50 second mark who puts his boots on. That was probably scripted, I don't know. He later proceeds to tighten up his boots because that's just what you do in the middle of covers.

Links: acoustic, non-acoustic and a S Club 7 reuinion you didn't know existed.

Beautiful artwork by yours truly.

Monday, December 1, 2014

circle jerk sale


It's the beginning of December, with shorter days and less light and really no reason to live at all, but if consumerism has taught me anything, it's that Cyber Monday is not a thing, but somehow, I have been coerced to support by association.

Hello Mr. magazine is a contributing writers magazine about men who date men. The independent magazine resonates more about the readers, the demographic it targets. They are the new generation of homosexuals frustrated by a lack of diversity in gay reads. DNA offers idealistic body types that require 4% body fat. Instinct regurgitates the same shit, easy on the Madonna, okay. Hello Mr., well, I learned to become a better writer, a better interior designer and from issue 4, that hair comes in all lengths.

I discovered the magazine with issue 2 and went on to collect issues 3 and 4. I felt a void. Like my bowels could no longer move. Issue 1 was missing from my collection of offensively priced, but well worth it Hello Mr. magazines that occupy my contemporary chair.

To the discerning gays with enough disposable income, issues 1 and 2 of Hello Mr. are on sale! That's $10 a piece! Think of it as a 2-for-1 special. Learn to master your relationship narcism on Instagram, style your outfit sans socks and learn to love your fucking self.