Wednesday, February 26, 2014

white, stark


Around some proverbial stone corner is some model-cum-my husband Spaniard sporting a plethora of rich dark colours. Amidst the deep navy's and the graves of black, there is saviour in white with subtle nuances in the above pieces. The last sentence sounded like white privilege coming to rescue the minority from purgatory.  Or, yah know, just everyday life.

I have a psychological fear of wearing white in the matter that it always gets soiled. Ketchup likes to squirt where it pleases and dark chocolate blends into the garments. This year, 2014, the year that I turn 27, stark white is making a return to my wardrobe. I will also purchase a bottle of bleach as an incidental.

Zara's spring lookbook teaches us that head-to-toe white is so passe and that suggesting white in your outfit is here to galvanize itself. It's clean, but not sterile, it's trendy, but not too trendy and the way it juxtaposes itself between dressy and casual gives it a European cool. I NEED TO EMBODY THAT!

Gladiator sandals, just stealthily enter my credit card number without my permission.

Die winter.

Photos: Zara

Monday, February 24, 2014

what constitutes a gay scarf?


Other than judgmental humans labelling shit.

The last two months of the polar vortex left me stationed inside my home and resulted in various indoor activities. I have been hand vacuuming lately, learning how to make banana bread and just recently I finished knitting a scarf. The aforementioned scarf put me in dept at $50. As a fledging newcomer to this sport designed for people living off their pension, and the hipster, I had to purchase needles, which cost me $15 and $35 for the yarn. I used natural fibres: 100% wool. None of that poly shit that gives you unwarranted rashes.

The design is relatively banal. Knit. Repeat.

Then, I got cogitating, what are the connotations surrounding select scarves. Is one more masculine than the other? Does wearing a scarf make you look more gay than your other male counterparts? Are McQueen silk scarves just for Nicole Richie? And what am I going to watch now that CNN cancelled Piers Morgan's show and will SNL create one last spoof?

This video by Pop Roulette, a satire (?), addresses the "gay scarf" with some animated rainbows discharged out of an asshole. I didn't really learn much, except that, gay scarves are preferably the infinity variety. They come in a variety of colours and prints and should be substantial enough to void your peripheral vision. Old Navy is dull and they just never fit right, of course. Urban Outfitters, the retailer offering occasionally offensive apparel is gay scarf friendly, is ideally where you should pick up your gay scarf.

The issue in the video isn't about gay scarves. It's the fact that you just lied to your grandmother.

Photo: Jak and Jil

Friday, February 21, 2014

the science behind trends



I sometimes question why I terminated my science prospects so shortly after grade 10. It could have been maybe the fact that I couldn't memorize all the elements of the periodic table or that maybe science and I just were not symbiotic. After graduating high school, science was just as significantly far away as Papua New Guinea. Then came university and that fucking required group C elective that I needed to complete to graduate. I took a semi-easy route with a half-credit in Environmental Science and half-credit in Earth Rocks: Shaken and Stirred! I wasn't aware there were labs and Perry and labs are kind of like wearing something trendy and complaining about it.

My Earth Rocks prof. Dr. Osinksi was so, earth shattering (good pun?). Undeniable hot dad.

I had friends majoring in science and any form of dialogue in that field just didn't register. Unless, we are talking social science! What were we talking about in my undergrad, oh, KONY 2012! That shit went awry.

As a loyal consumer of science delivered pragmatically, (see: The Magic School Bus), I've come to understand arbitrary science facts via AsapSCIENCE and have utilized that information to amaze my layman friends. Did you see the video on hair loss? Man's worst socially constructed fear! It's linked to our masculinity, our youth, our ability to be alpha. Seriously, alpha? Hair loss is like equating it to impotence.

No one wants to fuck an impotent bald man.

The U of Guelph alumni's, Gregory Brown and Mitchell Moffitt have projected their love of science and artistic creativity onto YouTube. On one of my many procrastinating days, I clicked on their behind the scenes video to see the face behind the videos. Does anybody know the face behind Celine? Duh, Phoebe Philo. Brown and Moffitt are adorable trendy fuckers. Moffitt, look how skinny of a hipster he is; only hipsters button their shirts all the way to the top. E.g.: this guy, me.

What's the number one trend amongst science YouTube stars? New Balance sneakers. Ubiquitous amongst Torontonians for their stylish, yet affordable atheletic-cum-casual footwear. Perfect for walking to the closet to do voice recordings, and then leisurely heading to the drawing board and then, I don't know, perpetually clicking refresh on their YouTube videos to see how many views they've had?

What I am concluding is this, is there a science behind following fashion trends? Or at least explain to me how Alexander Wang emblazoned his name on his s/s 14 jumpers.

Photos: AsapSCIENCE

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

shaving like it's a sport


There are some objects that look phallic -- sometimes unintentionally, some literally and some of us just lust for some some D, yah know, so something like a rug will look phallic no matter what. This one, looks like a vibrator, but functions as something more nauseatingly mundane. It shaves your face. Not for you, but I'm sure there's an ad somewhere on Craigslist. There's always an ad.

Why can't we embrace facial hair as much as how women are embracing the bush. That phenomenon was probably socially and politically constructed. Society expects us to look clean. You wake up, shave, maybe have a quickie (that's S-E-X) before work and you head to your white collar job. (Corporate jobs are super fun.) Monotony is overrated. As much as every man hates shaving, we have to do it.

This sounds like serious advertorial talk. Harry's was marketed to me via Twitter this afternoon and as much as I love their Canadian commodity debut, I prefer the aluminum variety. There's something powerful about shaving your face with a solid piece of Al. It's like the MacBook of handles. It's $20, but if you really love your narcissistic millennial self, you'll purchase the engraved version galvanizing your initials till death.

Photo: Harry's

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

for the hopeful nautical sailor in you



I am taking a hiatus from fashion week to offer you spring 14 accoutrements. Why the hell not, right? It's taxing when you attend Lacoste at 10AM and then you have to head to Jil Stuart at 11AM. Other shows that welcomed me with open arms were Victoria Beckham, Alexander Wang, The Row, Thakoon, etc, etc. It's taxing in the sense that, clicking next repeatedly can cause carpel tunnel and that shit is not pretty. I didn't attend shows... per se. After 25-30 looks, the gruelling process of abusing your index finger can leave it immobilized. Also, don't forget about the designer closing the show with a final walk, that's an extra click on my finger. Style.com has a play button and therefore repeated use of my index finger has granted it redundant.

Thom Browne, purveyor of grandiosity in terms of putting on a show has released one of three briefcases from his spring 14 collection show in Paris. This is not your 9-5 briefcase and it's not your typical childhood dress up briefcase either. (Boys dress up too and if we want to wear our mother's stilettos or our father's blazers, we fucking will.) This nautical briefcase is too cool for the typical Bay St. white collar professional and way too fucking precious to parade around on a Azimut Yacht where water is present.

Where does one mosey while carrying the Anchor Briefcase? I'm glad you asked. Here are some ideas:

1. To your cousin's Bar/Bah Mitzvah. You can easily tuck your blank cheques in one of the many copious compartments.
2. This one isn't necessarily moseying, but you can take a selfie with it and then return it.
3. The banal response, a fashion show.

You can purchase it for $3400 CAD at SSENSE if you have any of the above events coming up on your schedule.

Yacht, breton knit and boat shoes not included.

Photo: SSENSE, Style.com

Saturday, February 8, 2014

what's your price point?

flats





























Sandals ranging from $60 to $800 and some deviating by a few hundred dollars, because, I wanted range in prices. 

I feel that this is the greatest digital art piece I have ever published online. It just feels so organic and natural, more so than a mother birthing her first born child. No one actually celebrates the other born children. (Third born here, ergo: neglected, ergo: socially awkward.) I do, I celebrate all my shoe purchases as if each purchase was my first. 

The slip on shoe is that of an enigmatic one, in the case that, it is both ugly and beautiful and when correctly worn, appears effortlessly casually without looking too contrived. Albeit, when one -- or many -- fashion piece becomes ubiquitous amongst fashion people, said item becomes contrived and certainly loses its ethos. 

Every year, there is always one democratic item. (See: Cambridge Satchel.) This is the year of the Birkenstock. Available at SoftMoc and probably available soon at Holt Renfrew in a Givenchy iteration. Wear it with Saint Laurent or sport it with Proenza Schouler. Don't you dare wear it with cargo shorts. Do sport it with socks when appropriate. 

I have to wonder, will consumerism help bring the weather to above zero weather. Psychologically, sure. 

Friday, February 7, 2014

rubbers, not the condom variety


I am not in the market for anything at the moment, but if I was, now is the time I would normally be shopping. Retailers, e-tailers, etsy folks, are putting shit beyond sale. Boxing Day, Black Friday, a casual Friday -- that's just corporate hoopla wanting your dollars for their "deals."

Sandals are hitting the market and chunky slip ons are on point; I like mine with a hint of flatform. WHAT THE FUCK GIVENCHY. Luisviaroma is offering a pair of rubber Givenchy sandals emblazoned with the Disney character, Bambi. The what the fuck is awarded to the diluted retail price of $322CAD. That's half my rent, groceries for 2 months or falafels once a week for a year. It's fucking rubber. The rights to Bambi doesn't cost that much, does it?

Whatever.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

sean o'pry and friends on details


Men are beginning to reign just a little bit more when it comes to editing their appearance. Corporations are making it exhausting to live in this unjust universe. We're purging straight leg denim for more of a tapered fit (I led this movement), there's a plethora of men's grooming options that's causing a nuisance and I'm unsure if I should get that vasectomy. It's a fashion accessory right now.

Details Magazine graced their March 2014 fashion issue with 10 male alpha white models. Did I mention they're all white? None of them of colour. Clement, you look so good in that mustard yellow leather jacket. Where is it from?! Really, where is Zhao Lei, David Agbodji or Simon Tham. Fashion likes to call for diversity, but is it a double standard when it comes to its male counterparts?

The cover, is not representative of the population we live in where there are more than just white people. There are Blacks, Asians, First Nations, multi-racials, orange, purple, you get it. I gaze into this cover and I fit no where on the spectrum of male models. Albeit, I did get photographed beside Sean O'Pry, but they decided to crop me out last minute. Something about me not being tall enough, obvs, but they could have given me a stool like the other two male models. Fuck, my height can't catch a break.

What if -- crazy idea -- Details decided to apply what Vogue did with Lena Dunham. Tony Hale! Put Tony Hale on the cover. What about Michael Cera? I didn't go into your archive so I don't really know if you put him on the cover yet. I know, Donald Glover. Done.

Photo: Details

Monday, February 3, 2014

the return of the bush


Is it or isn't it making a comeback?

The bush, I am defining it as copious amounts of pubic hair that is not groomed. Okay, fine, mine is shaped like a butterfly and from what I feel, only Mariah Carey will appreciate it. It's really a moment to rebel quietly in peace. My bush, your bush, it's really nobody's business but your own.

In a post by AnOther Magazine, African American photographer Alvin Baltrop, delves into the lives of New York City's gay culture between 1975 to 1986. The only trend I found between that zeitgeist was thick wool socks worn at shin level. What compelled me more is this man's bush and how it's defining today's growing bush culture. I think? (This could all be null.)

I did a quick search on Google about pubic hair and what appeared was the name Cameron Diaz. Apparently, the Charlie's Angels star is praising pubic hair in her new self-help book. I knew pubic hair would have a celebrity endorsement one day. American Apparel started adorning their mannequins with pubic hair. What kind of caused an uproar was really a non-issue issue. It's my fucking bush and I'll do what I want with it. Then, on the third episode of Girls, Adam's sister Caroline holds a glass in her hand and kiboshes it into a million pieces. However, the bush, of a jobless teacher was the epicentre of that scene.

This is all about the female bush. What about the male bush? What is society dictating for us? What do you prefer!!!    I NEED TO KNOW!!