Saturday, August 31, 2013
You are a man who enjoys biking around the city, denim shorts and craft beer. You are a man who enjoys various activities outdoors and having the occasional sexual escapade every other Tuesday after 8PM via Tinder, Grindr or at Parts & Labour. Now that we've validated your status quo manhood, you have decided to approach a new lifestyle.
You are a man, and you have a bun.
Please don't fucking call it a man bun. What fucking difference is it from a regular bun? Sure, women have been fashioning the style for eons, but 2013 is the year of the bun, for a man. It is not necessary to masculinize the bun because your dick is still attached, right? Good.
I've noticed an increase of men with buns throughout the city and I think it looks amazing and tres chic. Growing a bun may (or may not) have caused new life lessons, such as: patience, new skills and overall general hygiene maintenance. Men with buns are just more civilized and are always guaranteed to put the seat down after use.
Did you hear that? Carine Roitfeld is a goddess and she hugs normal looking people.
During this six minute clip I learned that I need to love the camera more, own more shoes and that filling out your profession at American customs can be a daunting task. My options include, but not limited to: blogger not making any revenue, shoe hoarder, alcoholic, escort, etc.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
September is the arrival of fashion week, resuming of TV shows and a new exciting year of school. You may be in a position to write a thesis, take that ungodly science credit you're required to graduate with or apply for a post-graduate program, because what else are you going to fulfill your life with after graduation.
Get an adult circumcision and proceed with a low-stimulus party? Maybe.
Back-to-school shopping is bull-to-the-shit if you're from the ages of 18 to never to old to go back to school. Why do you need a new pair of jeans? You don't or maybe you do because you last year you decided acid wash jeans was happening. Abide with the general rules of classic dressing - and cuts - and you will be amazed at the growth of your savings account.
With all those savings: I suggest you splurge on a Eastpak Satin Backpack by Raf Simons. Sure, you won't put your overpriced textbook or that MacBook you've had since first year in the bag, but you'll look fabulous and you might get hit on by a gay man. Because only gay men sport purple satin backpacks by Raf Simons. However, your peers may mistake you for Chuck Bass. Rubbing dirt on the bag or pairing it with sweatpants will surely display your heteronormative lifestyle.
Birthdays are such tumultuous events in one's life span. We celebrate the milestones of turning 1, 16, 18-19, 25, etc. to signify exactly what? We can drink at 19, because the province I reside in feels that "19" is a mature age, where you can appropriately manage your consumption of vodka shots. That's like fascism, don't you think?
Last year was 25, the year I survived a quarter-life crisis and successfully levelled through all the stages. These stages you ask? I have no fucking clue. It's socially constructed made up shit like all my career choices should be accomplished by now. Nope. Still trying to put that Diploma and B.A. to its best potential.
My dearest friend Sarah brought a Polaroid camera to celebrate me turning 26. In retrospect, maybe she wanted delve back into, I don't know, 1948 when the first camera was introduced. Did they drink sangria in 1948? Maybe.
Polaroids are coming back. You can't quote me on that.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
This coat is from a sheep and/or lamb named Daphne. She sold her soul to Sweden to feed her family, but secretly it was to feed her hunger for Alaia laser-cut booties. We all have justifications and in the case of Family versus Alaia, the latter triumphs.
Shearling of all varieties are consuming a lot of real estate on e-commerce websites. To my disdain, I feel that it is: a. not appropriate (like being incestuous) and b. I'm in shearling fatigue from fall 2010 collections. Does anybody recall Burberry Fall 2010? Yes, those shearling booties just resonate and some how just three seasons later, shearling feels, dated.
What I propose is that we keep shearling in the closet and start sporting our authentic self. Click it.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Felony Case was made to thwart off all the malicious comments on BlogTO. Mother fuckers of Toronto, can't we celebrate his drive and strategic effort of Sir Andrew achieving success? No. Instead of praising local entrepreneurship, we (I mean the commenters) become huge dicks because maybe, just maybe, your cat suddenly died and you feel the need to attack other people. I am not sorry.
I first heard about Felony Case ca. 2012 through a friend, who knew this guy, through a friend. His simple strategic word of mouth marketing evidently panned out his success. What I learned with this video is that girls love selfies. They love selfies showcasing a pouty mouth, a bikini top, headphones in ears, a peace sign and of course, with their Felony Case in hand. Hey girls who selfie, you should recognize that this accoutrement could prevent rape. Just store it on top of your lady parts and when a low-life rape monster decides to penetrate you, his urethra will be the one that is penetrated. Penetration is only fun when it's consensual.
I would like this handbag in Felony Case form. Please.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Did you have your morning mimosa yet? Not the typical weekend brunch you're use to? That's okay, have one anyway. I'm having two in my thoughts. Well, my feeble readers, I am now an intern. That is right. I am now an invaluable member at Christopher Paunil Designs. The website is under construction, but visit it anyway because my job is to inform you of these matters and you must do as I say.
Enough coercion for today.
As an intern for Paunil, I will be trying on many of his custom made plastic dresses. Don't fret, no grown adult was suffocated to death. What Paunil really designs are beautifully made feminine pieces. There is even one with neoprene and neoprene is made for swimming with endangered turtles. He also designs bridal wear and can even go the extra mile to custom make it to your liking.
I will be all over social media, but right now I need to think of a clever social media handle. Cheers.
I'm still unsure of my stance on Robin Thicke's single Blurred Lines due to Jezebel's persuasive stance on the matter. I have found a loophole, a cover. But really, I'm just ignoring everything and letting Ezra serenade me. Look at the sexy Batmanglij bopping his head as if he was destined to.
Well, what exactly are these blurred lines... JK.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
This is like, trying to make fetch happen. (Who saw The Canyons?) Derivatives of high fashion is making me really uneasy and I'm unsure on how to approach the situation. Not the diffusion type, but the type that belongs in Chinatown or Canal Street. I had to endure a (most likely) suburban family don Homies t-shirts in bright orange at The Taste of the Danforth on the weekend. Ain't Laurent Without Yves was last seen on Queen West and it stirred up some much heated debate with myself. Comme des Fuckdown is actually quite cool. It was original, fresh and street style ready. Please don't fuck with Celine. Please don't fuck with Celine. You did, fuck with Celine.
Is democracy the message? Is label blindness your goal? Are you a bastard jumping the bandwagon? Majority of these message wearers are 20-something urban kids. Urban kids enjoy Marc by Marc Jacobs, American Apparel, craft beer and apparently faux designer duds. They're relaying a message that says, hey, I can't afford Saint Laurent, but this $72 sweater just set me back $72, + shipping.
Sure, it looks cool. It's damn right affordable, but I can't take it seriously. Are you understanding the rises and falls of Saint Laurent? He went from chic black brim chapeaus to grunge 90's for fall 2013. Maybe, I'm taking fashion too seriously and I should just let street kids enjoy their moment. I mean, it is important to treat fashion as a respectable business in a world that ridicules its intellectuality. Not everyone can pull off denim on denim.
I will gaze, but not engage.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sweats of any variety should only be made in the textile of cashmere or wool or gold or panda meat. Could we even call these pants sweats? Yes and no. This is a context based question, where, if one happens to mosey into fashion week with said sweats then you have a slim fitting cashmere pant. On the contrary, if you wear them to the dentist, then we have an issue to address.
Carine, who left Vogue to pursue her own magazine - CR Fashion Book - is coming out with a documentary. We get a slim look into her life and she may, or may not explain the reasoning for her signature eyeliner and greasy hair. She's been married for 30 years because the key to sustaining that long of a marriage is a good blow job.
The film almost acts as a sequel to The September Issue starring Anna Wintour which was released back in 2009. That film delved into the life of Wintour and the release of the bible. The secular variety is what I am referring to. I don't give a fuck if it's a derivative of said documentary. I want to be a Roitfeld.
Marvel the trailer here.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
You know what is making a comeback: rollerblades. I feel like I am seeing more people on eight wheels than two. Rollerblades just won't fucking work in this city. You can't be shifting your legs side-to-side on the sidewalk. How do you share the sidewalk with mothers and their strollers? You physically can't.
Go to a park. Like Radhika, who's rollerblades are vintage, BTW, can roam more freely than Porter's flights. To embody the full experience of the 90's for fall -- I suggest you substitute those Reebok sneakers for rollerblades, throw on a snap back and tie the plaid shirt around your waist, shoulder or to cover your period and play Groove Is In The Heart.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
My layering usually consists of a t-shirt being layered over a cardigan and over a jacket and maybe another jacket, but in cape form. Cue pretentious douche bag. (Look at those piercing blue eyes and those perfectly groomed blonde locks.) In my years of experience in layering, why have I not layered two t-shirts together? Well, it just doesn't work, but really I just haven't attempted it. It isn't very functional.
However, the illusion will suffice. I've never footed 2 bills (that's gangster for $200, FYI) for a t-shirt before, but I think Carven is slowly manipulating my mind into justifying this contrasting-hem tee.
It's 100% cotton. It's burgundy. It's red. It's more precisely a combination of burgundy and red making the colour burgundy red. A small would contour my body flawlessly, but of course, I'll order a medium and tuck it in and let it nestle in my shopping cart until...
Monday, August 5, 2013
I know I highly contested that sportswear is dead and it is, but only after this. This LOSER jumper falls in the category of some anomaly in the sportswear as outwear look - and that is why I chose it. Okay, I can't believe I became one of those people who purchased something because their friend purchased it. In my defence, she gave me full authorization because she altered hers and I kept mine as is and purchased the item 2 sizes larger. I have been sporting it, literally, all summer because it's a homage to my high school days being bullied and pushed into lockers.
Look at me now... broke as shit in Toronto.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Lets examine this inappropriate appropriate outfit together. By together I mean me writing in this post and you commenting. I'm sorry. There is actually nothing inappropriate about this chic ensemble of one trying to aerate to keep cool.
That knot, is, simply just not a knot for sartorial purposes. Chung has deciphered long and hard to let the world know her stomach is 1. flat and 2. it allows a breeze to keep her cool in SoHo. Can we just move the top part of the knot south east just a tad?
Roll up dem sleeves disorderly enough to show that you didn't put in any effort whatsoever. When really, it took you at least 12 minutes to show the world just how much you don't care when you really do.
Friday, August 2, 2013
The article was in regards to Lululemon not offering enough sizes for plus size women. Okay, Lululemon doesn't offer plus sizes (it does, just not blatantly) and now we can petition on change.org. Done.
Now for the proverbial comments that will blow your fucking minds and how we should approach what we are about to learn. Yes, Lululemon is lame, overpriced and just not worth your dollar. For the price of a pair of their pants, wouldn't you rather spend it on this? Shit, that was easy. Obvs, we love Tory Burch flats. Every girl and their mother has a pair of Tory Burch flats and I think every university girl has Tory Burch flats. Note to self: burn Tory Burch flats and say Tory Burch flats just one more time. Finally, to sum up the comments, IFYOUWEARTHATVELVETDRESS reminds us that Michael Kors' watches falls in the same category as Lululemon and Tory Burch, particularly only about said flats.
What these three have in common is that they are 1. logo heavy, 2. they're ubiquitous and 3. I'm assuming that all club girls have them and everyone adores a crop top wearing club girl who enjoys bopping her head to the latest Skrillex.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
My favourite e-tailer with pieces I can afford in 5 years through not eating in the present day displays Solange on the cover. She has that poetic justice braids that just exudes humbleness and that I can don more mixed patterns than a Proenza Schouler runway. Except, she doesn't dabble in mixing patterns, but toning it down for a seaside relaxation in Croatia. She discusses Glastonbury and living in rural Idaho, while looking chic-as-fuck in Jonathan Saunders.
This is why I love Solange. "We're going to lose our fucking minds."